Cato's Republic

The season is all in your mind

I have my bags packed and the truck is loaded with my entertainment center. My footie pajamas are folded right next to my toothbrush and catnip. I will be staying at the historic Calistoga Pet Clinic Spa for a week. I am taking my trainer and hope to shed a few pounds to fit into the pants I purchased at Lord's Ace Hardware in Indianola, Iowa during my campaign tour. The only thing I am missing is a personal chef. I hate to trust my meals to just anyone. If you have any suggestions, let me know. I don't want to starve to death! I want to wish you all the best during the holiday season and, as The Great Cat says: "Just relax and breath, it's all in your mind!"

The Book of Revelations as a forecast of things to come

Cato arrived in Iowa to face a tumultuous welcome on Sunday evening. His arrival at the last minute for the Iowa Caucus poses a threat to Democrat front runners Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama.

Although he is currently polling zero percent within the state, Cato's campaign believes his entry into the race will become a rallying point for Iowa's disillusioned opposition and set the stage for an overnight shift in the political scene. "The campaign this year is so dull, even a controversial candidate as Cato is will be seen as a huge relief to the electorate," says campaign manager, Adrienne Asher.

Cato's unimpeded entry into the history books as the first Feline Party of God candidate to qualify for the caucus stood in stunning contrast to the last time he attempted to enter Iowa state politics. His running mate, champion hog Crinkles, was sold at auction and butchered before the two could put in an appearance together on national TV. Declaring that "It is a travesty that more vice presidents are eaten by Iowans than in any other state," he set up a national Iowa boycott right after Crinkles slaughter, which has largely been ignored by reporters and other politicians.

Thousands of supporters of the Feline Party of God whistled and cheered Cato as he entered the lobby area of the airport. They hoisted him onto their shoulders and swept him through the ranks of wary Des Moines riot police officers.

"I have come to save this country and this state from the unending boredom of the 2008 presidential candidates," Cato said from the top of a yellow cab -- the only spot that allowed the crowd to see him (the candidate is very small standing only 15 inches from the ground).

"I have come to fulfill the responsibility I have been given by my fellow felines to lead the human race in a positive direction." But few in the crowd could hear him, so loud was the chanting and cheering from supporters "Long live, Long live Cato!" they shouted.

Cato had feared that his attempt to return to the state would be met with a massive police crackdown and that he would be deported back to California for his religions beliefs. Yet in a sign of the rapidly changing political environment in Iowa just six weeks before the caucuses, the governor of California, Arnold Schwarzenegger, a bitter rival in the recent gubernatorial elections, interceded on his behalf with Iowa State Governor and Democrat, Chet Culver. Culver had feared if Cato had entered the state, he would cause a culture war and there would be rioting in the streets by conservative Christians.

"Cato is a gentleman and a scholar and needs to be heard in this election," Schwarzenegger said. "No matter that his religion is not mainstreams, he is a formidable foe. I also agreed with him, the human race has had its chance and now is the time for another species to take up the mantle and lead us into the 21st Century." With that statement the former competitive weight lifter committed to campaign for Cato.

Cato's unimpeded return to Iowa suggests that religious fundamentalist Christians are resigned to his political comeback as the only representative of a religion that does not believe in God or Jesus Christ. Fundamentalist leader Pat Robertson mounted a national campaign to have Cato deported as a demonic force. Robertson declared that Cato should be bared from the United States because we do not accept The Great Cat as anything but an idol and a myth.

In response Cato, who spent 30 years of his life meditating on The Great Cat in cave in the Himalayas, said: "I believe in an America where the separation of church and state is absolute, where no Feline Party of God ayatollah would tell the president (should he believe in The Great Cat) how to act, and no Protestant minister would tell his parishioners for whom to vote; where no church or church school is granted any public funds or political preference; and where no cat is denied public office merely because his religion differs from the president who might appoint him or the people who might elect him."

"I believe in an America that is officially neither Christian, Jewish or Muslim; where no public official either requests or accepts instruction on public policy from, in my case, The Great Cat; the religious right or the National Council of Churches or any other ecclesiastical source; where no body seeks to impose its will directly or indirectly upon the general populace or the public acts of its officials; where religious liberty is so indivisible that an act against one religion is treated as an act against all."

"While this year it may be a devotee of The Great Cat against who the finger of suspicion is pointed, in other years it has been, and may be someday be again, a Jew -- or a Quaker or a Unitarian or a Baptist. Today I may be the victim, but tomorrow it may be you -- until the whole fabric of our harmonious society is ripped at a time of great national peril."

"I believe in an America where religious intolerance will someday end. This represents the kind of presidency in which I believe --- a great office that must neither be humbled by making it the instrument of any one religious group, nor tarnished by arbitrarily withholding its occupancy from the members of any one religious group. I believe in a president whose religions views are his own private affair, neither imposed by him upon the nation, or imposed by the nation upon him as a condition of holding that office. This is the kind of America I believe in."

With those remarks he set off on a whirlwind campaign trip through Warren County. His first stop was Carlisle, the birthplace of his grandmother. The small town of 3,500, feted the diminutive presidential candidate and his running mate, The Great White Hope, a largely silent fixture at his side. Both felines ate plates of turkey, dressing and cranberry Jell-O salad, while they met with the parishioners of the Carlisle Christian Church. Both felines worked the crowd shaking hands, answering questions, sitting on laps and kissing babies.

After lunch Cato toured the Heartland Coop, which is the 24th largest in the nation and can load 100 railroad cars full of field corn in an 8-hour period.  The Great White Hope met with local felines to field questions about the campaign and to hunt small animals with the large group of farm cats that crowded the Farm Bureau.

Afterwards both candidates were subdued when they were once again met by overwhelming crowds of supporters that lined the roads to the Des Moines Airport. "I ate too many Christmas cookies with red hots. I have a stomach ache and I need to go to bed," whispered The Great White Hope, an almost unknown individual.

Cato is seen by his supporters as a savior from the increasing repetitive nature of the 2008 presidential campaign. "It's gotten so boring, I was thinking I wouldn't go on the third (of January) and maybe just stay home and watch the Orange Bowl," said Vernie Killian, rural Carlisle farmer. "But that Cato is a character. He's funny like a stand-up comedian and when he talks to you, he sits right on your lap and listens close. I feel he really understands me. He makes me feel good again about being human. So I want to get all my friends and family out to support him on caucus night."

An editorial in the Des Moines Register declared that Cato was the most formidable challenge that any of the mainstream presidential candidates faced. Register political columnist, David Yepsen, stated that none of the candidates had yet faced such and "erudite and eloquent opponent. "As an American feline, his understanding of the issues facing this nation is profound. He can talk knowledgeably about the Farm Bill, something that is dear to Iowan's hearts, about God, corn and soybeans, the need to fix potholes, and the need to preserve our precious environment."

"After he sat in my lap and took my questions, I became a true believer. He's different. He's not afraid to speak his mind. I agree with him, the human race has lost its way and needs help. I think Cato is the best choice for president," said the 46-year-old Yepsen.

Still there are factions within Iowa that would see Cato stopped at all costs. "He is a sinner and he is not human There is something evil about Cato and I want to see his campaign and his supporters investigated for un-American activity," said Tamara Scott, Iowa State Director of Concerned Women for America. "God will send him to hell for his statements and his beliefs."

When asked about Scott's reaction to his campaign efforts in Iowa, Cato said :"Well, if I believed that the bible was the word of God -- actually if I believed that the Book of Revelations was a forecast of things to come, then I would believe in fire and brimstone and hell. If I believed that, I would probably go to hell to get away from the Iowa winter. But, as I do not believe in hell, it is impossible for me to go there. I guess I will have to continue to wear my fur coat as I travel the state." With that bold statement, he flicked his tail, smiled and walked away from the cameras.

Some of Cato's statements were taken from a speech given by John F. Kennedy on September 12, 1960 to the Greater Houston Ministerial Association.  Campaign photo by Adrienne Asher.

My Neighborhood:Christmas in Napa

I rarely use Highway 29 because it is jammed with tourists and trucks going very slowly. But on a Monday morning it is safe to take a short trip. Wild mustard is already blooming despite the fact that it is a winter annual and usually flowers in January.