Everything I know about killing I learned from Tony Soprano

There was a time, right after I was born, that I was deemed antisocial. This diagnosis was given to me after I repeatedly bloodied my campaign manager. It was apparent to her I needed to be neutered. This was done without my realizing it one summer morning. The result left me groggy and reeling from the vicious insult. I went into a slump. I refused to speak. I refused to eat. I refused to sleep. In an effort to cheer me up one day, my campaign manager sat me down in front of the TV, turned on HBO and left me there to watch the second season of the Sopranos. I was captivated. After the show, I went outdoors and killed a bird. It was the beginning of my career as a killer and presidential candidate, these two job titles not being mutually exclusive in the United States.

Tony Soprano and I have many things in common. We are both a bit over weight. Loyal to a fault to a small group of dysfunctional individuals. Have both sought psychiatric care with ambiguous result.  Had mothers with difficult personalities to endure (see my campaign bio). And both of us enjoy a lap dance upon occasion.

That Tony has been an inspiration to me is an understatement. When I botched the killing of a lizard during a freak snow storm in Pine Barrens of Sonoma County. (I chewed the little sucker's leg off, but he still managed to run off before I could bite into his juicy innards. Suffice it to say, I got very ill from eating his leg and had to be taken to the ER for a gastric lavage. ) After my ordeal at the hospital, I found reassurance that Tony's crew had a similar difficulty.

Year after year, I have taken joy in knowing that Tony and his gang have developed as I have. I even took it upon myself to visit Dr. Malfi in a show of solidarity. Unfortunately, Dr. Malfi diagnosed me as having a particularly aggressive avoidant personality. She wrote a paper on my condition as it was very unusual and lectured for many years about it until I took a contract out on her.

Several times over the years, I have taken it upon myself to send Tony a portion of my killings via FedEx to his home in New Jersey. There was the mouse head -- a particularly difficult kill. The finger -- although I don't usually kill humans (and in this case did not), I do frequently encounter bird lovers who want to take birds out of my mouth. The result has been the loss of one finger in the neighborhood. Tony particularly like the finger because it had a large topaz ring still attached. He gave the ring to Carmella.

I also sent him a barn owl intact except for a talon. My campaign manager tried to prevent my killing of it -- as he was larger than me and sitting at the very top of a very tall tree. But I ignored her and shot up the trunk. I caught the bird sleeping and he died of shock. Unfortunately, I was unable to eat him all, so I sent him off to the Soprano family for Carmella to make Pollo al Mattone with it. I sent her my own recipe. After that I got a polite note thanking me for the bird and asking that I stop sending gifts.

While I am sad to see Tony go, I understand that there comes a time in life when one tires of killing. And so Tony and I will retire from this obsession to sit in front of the TV and eat baked ziti while watching DVDs of old gangster films. And upon occasion, indulge in a lap dance or two.

Comments

[Aloysius]

Cato,

I didn't know about your hunting prowess. Impressive! Is it true that there is going to be a debate among the several cats running for President?

[Karl and Anastasia]

What a wonderful story! You are quiet a master with words, we have to say. Karl muttered something like "I should get back to writing", I think you were a great inspiration for him!
A barn owl. That is more than impressive! The biggest things we ever hunt are rabbits. We do a lot of deer watching and stalking but neither one of us has dared to attack one yet...

[Artsy Catsy]

Magnificent blog entry, Cato! I have forwarded it to my human artist's daughter, who resides in Italy, where I suspect it will be of interest, particularly if forwarded to Sicily.

Before you retire, may I request that you FedEx three fingers to me so that I may make my human artist an offer she cannot refuse? Three of hers are gnarling like talons, threatening her ability to contribute to my bottom line. Would it be possible for you to take out a contract on Arthur Itis?

Rocky
CEO (Cat Executive Officer)
Artsy Catsy

[The Crew]

It's a bit late to respond to this post, but I feel compelled.

I think my secretary (aka Mom) is having "The Soprano's" withdrawal symptoms. Last night I heard her muttering about "Sunday night...nothing on worth watching...might as well go to bed early". I believe much of this country may be suffering the same malady.

George

[Cato]

George, I spent Sunday night stairing into the distance during the Soprano's regular time slot. My campaign manager tried to give me tuna, but I refused all food. It will be a long time before I come in from the garden on Sundays. Cato